Why I don’t want a dog.

I don’t want a dog.

Not right now. But my nephew sent me this:

Yes, I did take a look at Sullivan. Here are his behavioral particulars.

He sounds perfect, right? Just the kind of impossible little dog I had last time. But I don’t want a dog right now. Why?

Maybe because…

The last two broke my heart. And dogs always break my heart. I have had six, now, and all six of them have inspired more weeping than any man.

I should have just stuck with cats. Cats come and they go. They might “belong” to you, but they will just move in somewhere else without a backwards glance at you. They do break your heart, but they’re callous about it. Dogs break your heart by being sweet and devoted and stupid.

The last two also broke the bank.

My first four dogs were fairly cheap, all things considered. They didn’t get sick very often, they ate whatever was on sale at the Grocery Outlet, and I had a magnificent vet who charged me according to the budgetary realities of a single mother of three who still wanted her kids to be able to have a damn dog.

I’m retiring. I can’t afford any more expensive dogs.

Or maybe I want to travel!

We like to go on trips. After Dad died, we had limited options for dog care. Below, I have posted the instructions I left for my friend Sarah, who stayed at the house while T and I took our honeymoon cruise to Alaska (this was before Dad died, but he was debilitated by COPD at this point). Maybe if you read through the whole thing, you’ll understand why I don’t have dogs anymore.

Here are her instructions:

Dogs:

FEEDING: The dogs wake about 6-7 AM. They go out the back door by the dining room to pee, then come in to eat. We have a lot of coyotes in our neighborhood, so please lift the blind and give the yard a visual scan before letting them out in the mornings, when the coyotes are still actively hunting. Same if you’re up at night and they get up with you when it’s dark. There is a flashlight on the end of the table to help in the dark. You can step out with them if you like, but it’s not needed.

Breakfast: They wake up STARVING. Don’t feed before 6 AM. Before breakfast, each dog gets a Lil Jac soft treat. Beulah’s should have one of her meds pushed into it. These will be set out on the buffet for you. Lita may or may not take a treat from your hand. Just drop it on the floor and she will snap it up. Beulah will definitely take treats from you.

The dog food is sitting on top of the woodstove right now because of ants. There’s a cup in there to scoop the food. It takes about half of that cup to fill their bowls.

Blue bowl = Beulah. Cover the bottom generously.

Orange bowl = Lita. Cover half the bottom generously.

The dogs always eat by their water bowl. They like to eat with their bowls pretty close together – 6 to 10 inches. If you’re facing the back of the house, Beulah’s bowl goes to the left and Lita’s to the right. Lita might hide under the table and take a little time to come out and eat. You should guard her bowl until she does because Beulah will eat Lita’s food right up.

Once they are done eating, they go out again to poop. Sometimes Lita needs walking to the back door. I have no idea why, she just likes you to verbally encourage her in a friendly voice, and walk her back there.

After they come back in, they usually want a tiny Milkbone. Those will also be on the buffet.

I change their water in the mornings and that’s usually fine for the day.

Lita starts crying for dinner about 3:30 PM. Don’t believe her for a minute.

Dinner: Repeat the food portion at 5 PM. No meds.

I call treats “treats” and “cookies.” The dogs know those words. Milkbones anytime. Lil Jac treats 2X-3X. Bribe them as needed, but NO people food. Beulah has a super-sensitive system and can only eat the prescription kibble and a few treats. A bite of egg or sausage will send her to the dog hospital with pancreatitis, sadly.

SLEEPING: The dogs will probably not sleep with you. There are three dog beds and they will probably sleep together in one. But Beulah might jump up on your bed to sleep. In that case, Lita might cry to get up there, too. She can’t get up or down from the big bed and will not try.

PEEING ANG POOPING:
The dogs are used to going on pee pads during the day, but if you’re home you can let them out every few hours.

Pee pads are in the hallway bathroom in the lower right cabinet. I put two down and leave them all day. Sometimes they use them a lot and sometimes they don’t. Like I said, if you’re there to encourage them to go out, they might not use them. Just throw pads in the kitchen garbage when they are soiled. If there’s poop (this is rare), dump it in the toilet before putting pad in kitchen garbage.

If the pee pads get soaked through/pee gets on the floor, I clean the floor with bleach spray and rags. I will leave both on the bathroom counter for you. Used rags get thrown in the utility sink in the utility room.

I usually let them out one last time around 9:30 – 10 PM. Occasionally Beulah gets up in the night and pees, so it’s good to have a pee pad down in the bathroom at night. She will go right to it.

Other dog stuff:

Lita’s challenges and temperament: Lita has seizures. Sometimes she screams during the seizures, sometimes she just twitches. Usually she has them while she is asleep at night, or in her bed. They do not hurt her and she doesn’t even remember them. She also has a bad temperament. She tends to snarl loudly when moved or disturbed, especially if Beulah is near. Her bark is worse than her bite. Just move her slowly and she will recover her composure.

Mobility: Beulah is limber and mobile. Lita is not. She can usually jump up from the patio to come in. Sometimes she needs a lift. She can’t go up or down the steps to the TV room.

Licking: Beulah is a compulsive licker of everything and it’s super annoying. If it’s bugging you, or if she’s licking the new furniture downstairs, tell Beulah firmly, “NO MORE LICKING.” Repeat as needed. It might take her a second but she will eventually give in.

Affection: Beulah will just plop right up on you, chuffing and happy. Lita might want some pets eventually, but she’s pretty teetery and ancient and might just stare at you. She likes very gentle belly rubs and rolls over to suggest them.

Door rushing: They are usually calm when we leave, but can rush other people at the door. Please be very careful of this. Tell them to “get back” when you’re coming in, and when you’re leaving, and they should back up and give you room. I do not think they are flight risks, but you never know. If a dog goes out front, bribe her back in by shaking a treat bag and super happy excited calling.

What to do if one of these old dogs should die: Please call (DAUGHTERS) for help. Wrap the dog in an old towel, like the pink one on the shelf in the hall bathroom, and put her on the bathroom vanity in my bathroom. Depending on how close it is to us getting home, doggie might need to be buried before our return. Neighbor Kevin can dig a (deep because of coyotes) hole. Please bury the dog (in the towel) near the magnolia tree in the front yard, but not directly under; Mylo is planted there. I keep collars and tags as keepsakes. If you bury a dog, she needs a toy for the afterlife. (DAUGHTERS), that would be Fliger or Fleopard for Beulah, and a fat one for Lita.

The end. That’s it. All the instructions. I found this in my files today and thought, I am so. Not. Ready. for another dog.

But don’t worry about Sullivan.

Someone else adopted him, so I don’t have to.